This is about treating you, your partner, AND your relationship.
“OMG… I’ve done it again… attached to the wrong person.”
Do you ever feel as if you could walk into any bar, sports event, social party, church, movie theatre, food court, or employee lunchroom and within three minutes pick out the one person who can destroy your life? It can be shameful to be caught in this cycle.
Breaking the silence, the secrecy, and the judgment around relationship dissatisfaction is the first step in ending the cycle.
“They say that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater!’ Can a relationship survive infidelity?”
Maybe you’re questioning whether you even want it to work after all the lies and betrayal.
You’ve done the math. You’ve run the alternatives thousands of times through your mind – the endless hamster wheel of trying to “figure out” the path forward to save some shred of dignity and do the least amount of harm.
Or maybe those vengeful Internet memes of publicly shaming a partner are looking pretty good these days (Don’t worry: I won’t tell anyone!).
Still… something draws you to seek help – either renew your relationship or end it on good terms. Listen to this voice.
Together, we will discover your path to healing and relational health.
“’Run, don’t walk!’ That’s what people tell me.”
In the intensity of discovering infidelity, rushing to a solution is so attractive. It seems as though it is the way to end this horrible heartache. It isn’t.
The awful truth is that this has happened; now, you have to pay attention to those pieces of the life you thought you had. Run nowhere… not because leaving is wrong (it may be what you choose in the end), but because running from the heartache and the pain doesn’t work.
Stop. Walk toward help. Give yourself space. This is how it is today, not how it will always be.
“I remember feeling so secure and happy with them; now I hear their footsteps on the stairs, and I just cringe inside.”
Ah, yes… that here-we-go-again dread.
It’s exhausting to play “happy family theatre”—to pretend that things are fine amidst ever-increasing hair-trigger blowouts… then clamp it all back down again.
The “find the bad guy” dance never seems to end: the coldness and the attacks, the not wanting to go home… the feeling unsafe when you get there. And the grief!
All that promise seemingly lost to the current storm. That picture of past happiness hanging on the wall makes you cringe or cry or feel so sad.
It’s time to get the help you both need to recover yourselves and heal your relationship. You are ready.
“If it weren’t for the kids, I’d be gone in a heartbeat, but I don’t want them to suffer as I did growing up.”
I get that. Kids are super important, and, as parents, we put them first. And it should be this way.
So, let’s look at putting the kids first. Kids are most negatively impacted by reactivity or coldness between their parents. When they experience this energy, they suffer.
So, yes, let’s put the kids first, so you and your partner should get the help you need – to learn how to self-regulate and co-regulate so that, regardless whether you ultimately choose to forge a new partnership together, your KIDS will be safe with each of you and with your relationship!
Yup, let’s put the kids first!
“Maybe it’s true that gay men can’t have a secure partnership. Damn it!”
Ha! Let’s not restrict ourselves to or feel shame for deviating from hetero-normative traditions of a secure relationship! Let’s do the work of discovering what secure means for each of you and how you can protect your relationship while recognizing the unique elements of same-sex partnership.
Let’s make a new mold for you and your partner so that you feel connected and secure – all the while remaining true to who you are and who you are together.
The nearest thing to experiencing death that we will ever encounter…
… is the loss (or threat of loss) of a life partnership. It hurts that badly and costs that much.
The financial damage can be overwhelming.
How will my lifestyle change?
What about my kids and all the things that we give them together that we may not be able to sustain separately?
And the social losses…aaarrrggghhh!
I don’t want to be the “newly single” one at the party… if I’m invited at all!
It hurts in seemingly endless arenas… but nowhere as deeply as in the heart.
It is so painful to leave and so painful to stay.
Dilemmas are horrible traps!
Let’s introduce more options.
Let’s go from your current “warp-speed mind” to a slower version of reality – one in which, before ending everything, we can take a careful look at what needs to be kept and what needs to be replaced in the relationship.
I’m not going to guarantee you that your relationship will be saved.
Let’s leave that to the hucksters and thought controllers. What I can guarantee you, though, is that it will not always be as painful as it is right now.
As you give yourself to the process of couples therapy, you will begin to see the patterns that you have shared in your relationship that have led to this crisis. As you see the patterns, you will be taught how to express needs and experience connection with yourself and your partner in new ways.
These experiences of being connected will form the container that will hold the pain and allow it to resolve. Then you are free to stay, and you are free to go. You are free, as it should always be!
Do you want to know whether I’ll take sides?
Yup!! I will… I will take the side of your RELATIONSHIP. To do otherwise is to enter into the crucible of demons, angels, shame, blame, and revenge – so sweet in the moment, so cold in the end!
Yes, this will mean a courageous commitment to the truth of the pain… and an examination of what your love is and isn’t!
Working with a couple recently, I had them turn to each other working through a problem. They were taking turns blaming each other for not listening, always attacking, never supporting (and a few other juicy bits!).
And each of them turned toward me to tell the tale. I continuously redirected them to each other (After all, they didn’t marry me!).
After a few minutes, I stopped them.
I asked them what they were looking for from me that they couldn’t get from their partner. I identified that I would not take the role of their unconscious parent solving their life for them.
I directed them to sit quietly for a short time and identify the ways that they were harming the relationship right now. They were able to name several. Each of them, with my guidance, discovered that what they were feeling was FEAR… and the ways they avoided their fear by blaming the other was harming their relationship.
We then began exploring how they could each take care of themselves when afraid… and how they can express that to their partner and be a comfort to each other, protecting the relationship at all costs.
I take the side of the relationship. There is no other side.
Are you ready for REAL PEACE?
Because that comes when you know that you’ve done everything you can to heal your relationship.
Let’s work together to put your relationship on solid ground – by giving it the three legs of a secure, rockin’ relationship:
I take care of me for you.
You take care of you for me.
Together, we take care of us for us!
Bravely entering into couples counseling will improve your life and the lives of those you love—no matter the decision you make as a couple. I have great confidence and faith that, if you so choose, you can create a new relationship that works for both of you.
Are you ready to take this all-important step to protect, amplify, and celebrate your relationship?
Act now and give me a call so we can schedule your free 15-minute consultation: (705) 795-0240.